It’s me again. I thought time would make this all a bit easier. To an extent it has, and so has filling my time with other passions and hobbies. Oh, and compensating for 8 years of social celibacy. Yet, I can’t get on a bike without crying afterwards, or even bring myself to go for a swim. No one gives you a guide for what happens after you just…stop? Where’s the training plan for that? Where are the goals? Where are my dreams? Maybe it would have been better if I had actually accomplished something, but at the moment I am still left with the massive “what if?” of my life and it makes me so unbelievably sad.

I know deep down it was the right decision. I see parents playing with their children, or partners walking around the city, and I know that I was going to shut the door down on doing that in any comfortable way if I continued on the path I was on. Yet, part of me REALLY wonders what would have happened if I had continued. Could I have done something great? Could I have actually achieved something? I will never know. A lot of maybes, what ifs, and could haves plague me now after everything I gave you.

The pain hasn’t really got much better, and I still refuse to take those pain killers. I’ve never been one to take things like that. I am not sure it really ever will get better. It has been 9 months now so I think this is genuinely here to stay.

Again, I just want you to know I really tried. I really did.